BEWARE OF NUT-BUSTING SPOILERS AHEAD
Ouch. This week we not only sat (uncomfortably) through Lawless’ de-conkering but also Dredd’s bloody-mouthed wang worrying. These though are just the latest entrants in cinema’s most wince-inducing club: the cinematic castration – the ultimate in emasculation, humiliation and total pain. So in celebration of its newest dis-membered members, get ready to cross those legs for the best in lost manhood, occasional female empowerment but mostly bloody, spurting amateur sex surgery. Let’s turn that Y into an X, shall we?
Finding themselves up against a literally cut-throat copper, those bootleggin’ Bondurant boys aim to cut something a little lower on the anatomy. Tracking down the guys who earlier attempted to adjust Bane’s vocal chords, the Bondurants take a straight razor to the terror-etched henchmen’s undercarriages and deliver them to their nemesis. Revenge is a dish best served in a bloody tissue.
“I take away his weapon,” says Hartigan. “Both of them.” The second is definitely the more painful for lil’ Roark Jr, as the determined detective proceeds to violently disarm the Yellow Bastard’s man-pistol for the second time in 90 minutes, clenching away his clackers in a gooey marshmallowy mustard-coloured splodge. All in all, that’s two – or is that four? – for the price of one.
Well, that’s a hornets’ nest well-and-truly stirred up. The lost, isolated Yanomamö tribe – angered by the devious documentarians’ not-strictly-observing techniques – reap a bloody, about-to-be-banned revenge: they begin by hacking rapist cameraman Mark into more edible pieces, starting very graphically with his telescopic lens. This one’s a near-tie with a similar ‘restless natives’ moment in its equally grotty cousin, Cannibal Ferox.
Language! Beth goes from being victim to fully-fledged Elite Hunting customer at the flash of a cussword, butchering her potty-mouthed torturer’s torpid turkey with one swift hack and then feeding it to the bloodhounds. If my folks had shown me this instead of just threatening to wash my mouth out with soap, my swear-jar wouldn’t be quite so full.
Sonny Chiba, ‘the greatest actor working in martial arts movies today’ as Clarence Worley would have it, has a ball – two of them – when his double-hard mercenary Tsurigi leaps through A window and gets hands on with the guy trying to rape heiress Sarai. I understand this technique is called Jeet Plums Do.
For a movie famed for its unsimulated sex – based on real events – this really is a leg crosser, and puts you off boiled eggs to boot. Having helped kill her married lover with ‘a Hutchence’, the obsessed Abe slices off his old boy and writes a farewell message in his chest with the blood. Next time you’re keen on a memento, maybe a picture would work better?
More Troma than trauma, it’s no surprise that Lloyd Kaufman helped distribute this utterly bizarre German schlocker about a gay cop, his tranny bf and a carnivorous condom that puts a real dampener on safe sex. Our favourite bit? When the killer jimmy runs away with its latest meal still in its transparant, er, digestive tract. “That’s a cock!” someone shrieks. Yes. Yes it is.
Johnny really did have it coming. Not just because he’s a scumbag, sadistic gang-rapist – though, let’s face it, that’s more than enough in its own right – but also partly because he’s stupid enough to let himself be stripped, led to a bath and given a hand-shandy by a knife-wielding lady who holds an entirely justified murder-boner for him; later, she just holds a boner. See also: Last House On The Left. Or don’t, because it’s a bit shonky.
You really shouldn’t pee on the grass. In this legendary video nasty, a passing biker is stopped mid-flow when Bigfoot yanks his chain clean off. What makes this scene even more impressive is not its utter craposity but that it’s told in very specific flashback by someone who wasn’t actually there.
LSD, scissors and castration do not mix. Alejandro Jodorowsky’s surreal movie of dense symbolism is already pretty wang happy before we get to the castration dream sequence (the member is later put in a room filled with similarly severed choppers). Jodorowsky later alleged that the scissor-wielder was so loaded with hallucinogens that the scene nearly played out for real. “And cut…”
Better than pepper spay. Creepy rat-bag rapist Tobey gets caught in our Venus’ fly-trap when he tries to aggressively take advantage of a half-unconscious Dawn. However, our heroine has a case of Vagina Dentata, which is Latin for “Argh, help me Jesus, she’s bitten my penis off with her fanny-gnashers.”
A hostage-holding wannabe rapist finds out that ‘the new guy in town’ has a much better aim than his more human counterparts; RoboCop just fires a bullet through the victim’s skirt – the empty space between her legs – and catches the scumbag hair-enthusiast standing behind her right in his junk. We can’t confirm whether it’s a solid sever but it’s safe to say that this perp won’t be achieving 45° anytime soon.
Tom Hawker edited cult movie mag Hotdog and has seen Cannibal Holocaust at least one more time than is strictly necessary. He's seen it twice.
Source : ign[dot]com
