We're less than a week out from the Royal Rumble and I'm sorry to say that the Rumble part of the Rumble is the least interesting Rumble about the Rumble this year. Rumble Rumble Rumble!
The Rock is back and he's set to take on Punk, and even though there's a 97.3333343333% chance that Rock will win, the entire program has my full attention. Especially with The Shield attacking Rock last night. Which threw a wrench in the entire "Rock's behind The Shield" theory. Or did it?
Punk's slated (in pencil) to take on Undertaker this year. But could it be for the title? The Rock is going to win the belt, but could he lose it back to Punk at Elimination Chamber? Or could Punk retain at the Rumble and then drop the belt to Rock in the Chamber? And what is this talk of Vince "stripping the title?" Could that be a factor? Could Punk (or Rock) get stripped of the belt on RAW and then it's up for grabs in the Chamber? Look, none of this will happen and it's clear that as internet a-holes we all just enjoy coming up with more interesting and complex arcs than the WWE would ever commit to - under the presumption that if we're not entertained then somehow no one else is entertained. But Punk vs. Rock is still a hell of a lot more fun, no matter the outcome, than Cena winning the Rumble, lastly eliminating Ziggler who will have been in the Rumble since the very beginning. Because we all know how that's going to play out and it's effin' boring as s***.
And last night's "go home" RAW for the Rumble? It was so dry I thought I was eating a bowl of motherf***in' mini-wheats. Sure, it was cool to see The Rock get bloodied and to hear the giant "Dr. Shelby!" chant, but the rest of it was like paddling through piddle.
First of all, the whole "what role can cops really play in pro-wrestling?" thing -- which is usually one of the issues that hinders TNA, since most their violent storylines should also include heavy police involvement -- was a factor last night when Vickie forbid The Rock from entering the arena. Even though we'd find out later that Vince was around and would have/could have/should have put a stop to his managing supervisor shutting out RAW's big guest. Then, Vickie threatened to have the cops, wearing Party City uniforms, suspended if they let The Rock in. Because she's now a part of the San Jose Disciplinary Action Review Board apparently. But whatever. The Rock said "Stink Pickle" and yelled a lot.
I know wrestling stories aren't supposed to be analyzed for plot holes anywhere close to the level that I'm analyzing them. Or at all. And since the writers never answer to anything being incongruous, none of what I write even matters. But it's either this or, like, I go outside and play with my kids. And I'm scarily comfortable in the decision I've made. Anyhow, later on, Heyman tried to interject logic into the proceedings by telling The Rock that a ticket shouldn't have afforded him a grand entrance, with music, and a mic in the ring. But get out of here, fatty! Get lost! Fat, logical fatty. See. We're all the fatties. Trying to get in the way of the natural force that is a boot ramming into someone's ass. You know, I haven't seen Rock kick someone in the butt once. Not even comically. Like a swift kick to Hornswoggle's patoot. I'm just saying that's a lot of shirts sold for a move that's not even in Rock's repertoire. Great, and now I've used French. Get out of here, fatty!
The voice of the voice of the cheap seats.
Anyhow, once I saw that RAW had gone into overrun and that Cena was on the mic making jokes, I realized that everything had pretty much gone wrong last night. Cena's doing his old Chuckle Barn mic n' stool routine like it's Caroline's Comedy Hour and all I could think of, at that moment, was how much I didn't want to see or hear Cena at all. Darren Young said it best, quoting America's poet laureate Sweet Brown..
Indeed, I know it's the tradition to end the RAW before the Rumble with a mini-Rumble in the ring (with more guys than are ever actually in the ring at one time during a real Rumble, btw), but his year...I don't know. Maybe it's me. Maybe I've lost that lovin' feeling. Maybe I'm sick of everyone pretending like anyone can win the thing. And that statistics and percentages matter. Especially when this entire PPV is just the first step toward Cena winning back the WWE Championship. Maybe that's why it feels like more of a sideways pill than usual. Especially with everything getting so serious between Rock and Punk, I just don't have any room left inside me for even the slightest tolerance of Cena jokes. Plus, the whole "Beat the Clock" thing last night turned out to be a dumb waste too. Plus, Bully and Brooke got married on Impact last week and Brooke's t**s fell out of her dress and she adjusted herself right near her father's fallen face/open mouth. This was just a disconcerting week in wrestling.
Notably though, The Rock got a big beat down from The Shield. And the mystery continues on. Will Punk or Rock be revealed as their leader? Or will it be some outside force pulling the strings? Or will the leader never be revealed and the entire thing goes the way of GTV? Of course, in a crunch, they can always make it Vince. For, you know, whatever bulls*** reason. Last night Vince blamed Punk again, even though The Rock coming out the the ring during Heyman's Paul Bomb wasn't supposed to happen. Right? The Rock interrupted. Because he'd found a magical Narnia wardrobe into the arena. Anyhow, I'm doing that thing again where I pretend like, week in and week out, attention is paid to details and writers are actually expertly crafting their stories. It's a sickness. Maybe it's because I try to hold wrestling under the same microscope that I use when I review other TV shows. When clearly RAW doesn't need a microscope, but a giant novelty magnifying glass with no lens. Yeah, that's right. Just a plastic loop on a stick.
Great gif or GREATEST gif?
More on the Rock's beating, plus Miz's Figure Four Lamelock and AJ and Big E's twitter party, on page 2...
Source : ign[dot]com
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